Stick it out or break it off?

Why is it that more than a million couples divorce each year? Infidelity is probably the first reason we would all think causes a divorce, but what about communication problems, lack of emotional support, emotional and physical abuse, falling out of love or growing apart? Is it due to unsatisfactory sex, constant conflict, or falling in love with someone else? Maybe it's even the financial problems, abuse of alcohol or other drugs, and perhaps even incompatibility. These are all "complaints that are offered not only by Americans, but those in other nations as well" (Lauer & Lauer).
If you ask me, I think it has a lot to do with our culture of convenience and instant gratification. 

"In the 1970s, California and New York began the trend toward no-fault divorce, which is now practiced in all states. In no-fault divorce, no proof for divorce is needed. Neither spouse accuses the other of impropriety or immorality. Rather, the marriage is deemed unworkable and therefore is dissolved" (Lauer & Lauer). Do you see how devastating this can be for a spouse or the children being affected by the divorce? If either or both spouses decide the marriage is no longer a convenience and choses to end the marriage, they can easily do so. 

Although this may seem like the most convenient way to deal with your lack of satisfaction with your marriage, you might want to reconsider. Research has shown that after two years, 70% of divorced couples believe they could have saved the marriage should they have stuck with it and worked through their challenges-and greatly wished they had. 

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said:

 "Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way."

I know that Christ is the best physician out there. He has given us the perfect prescription to mend our broken hearts and heal our strained relationships.  There must have been a pretty great reason for Jesus to have commanded us to "love thy neighbor as thy self", and to forgive those that sin against us "until seventy times seven".  There is peace in living the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Healthy Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them. 

-President Thomas S. Monson

Being a parent, do you ever feel that your kids don't seem to listen to or care about what you say? Do you ever feel underappreciated or feel that you're a tool? That your kids just use you to have their needs met? Do you ever want to give up and focus on yourself for a while? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is likely that at one point or another you have also felt power over your children and felt that you have the right as their parent to make them do what you want. Of course you don't always feel this way; there are times when you feel loved, appreciated, and enjoy spending time with and sacrificing for your children. However, due to our natural state, it is always easier to focus on and remember the things that aggravate us.  Yet as we remember that we are children of a supernatural being and as such are destined to become supernatural beings, and that we have supernatural help readily available to us, we can find peace and hope in being the parents our children need us to be.

Let's review three styles of parenting that are widespread and that have important consequences for children's well-being: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting. 

The authoritarian approach to parenting is to "exercise maximum control and to expect unquestioning obedience. Children may perceive such parents as rejecting and as refusing to give them any autonomy. Parent-child interaction is not the give-and-take of a developing relationship but the giving of orders by a superior to a subordinate. In case of infraction of the rules, discipline is likely to be both severe and physical" (Lauer & Lauer).

Permissive parenting is just what it sounds like. The approach is to "minimize any control. Children are encouraged to make their own decisions and develop their independence with few or no parental constraints or guidance. Parent-child interaction may consist of parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do" (Lauer & Lauer). 

Last but not least, we have the authoritative parenting style. This approach is to "put boundaries on acceptable behavior within a warm, accepting context. Children are likely to perceive such an atmosphere as one that encourages their autonomy, controls their behavior moderately, and allows them to express their opinions and develop their own decision-making ability. Parent-child interaction is generally characterized by affection, a certain amount of give-and-take, but relatively clear expectations for the children's behavior" (Lauer & Lauer). 

Can you relate to either of these parenting styles? Here's a link to an online assessment of your own parenting perceptions and ideals: What's Your Parenting Style?

The authoritative parenting style is the happy middle ground between the authoritarian and the permissive approaches. It is associated with the maximum well-being of children. "Children can survive an authoritarian or a permissive parenting style, but they are unlikely to thrive. Instead, they are prone to develop attitudes and behavior that are detrimental both to high-quality interpersonal relationships and to their own physical and emotional well-being" (Lauer & Lauer).

Fathers and Finances

 "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

I am continually amazed by how inspired The Family: A Proclamation to the World truly is. Not only does it help us understand our identity as children of God, it also helps us understand our role in His divine plan.  As stated above, it is the fathers' responsibility to provide for his family. Does this mean women can't join the labor force? No. If women can join the labor force and provide for themselves and their children, then this must mean that women and children simply don't need men in their lives, right? Absolutely not. It is truly a shame that people start to believe men to be what media portrays husbands and fathers to be "annoying accessories & buffoons." 

While I do believe that men and women should have the same rights and opportunities, I do not believe that we are to try to outdo one another. Men and women were created to complement each other, not to compete one against the other. As Paul taught us in the New Testament "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord"  

Fathers are vital in their children's lives. Although they spend long hours away from home in order to provide for their families financially, they also provide confidence and security. They teach their little girls what to look for in a man, and their sons how to be an honorable man. Professor Brad Wilcox of University of Virginia noted "nearly every shooting over the last year in Wikipedia's list of U.S. school attacks' involved a young man whose parents divorced or never married in the first place. Additionally, a study on older male shooters found similar connections to growing up fatherless." 

There is a marvelous article titled "Family Work" that has caused me to reflect upon  my bringing up and the role my daddy played in helping me become the woman I am today. Eighteen years ago my parents, siblings and I made a decision that would change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our posterity forever.  At that time we lived in Chile, my "mami" was a stay at home mom/ housewife while my "papi" was the main provider for our family. Being that he wasn't in his home country, and had not achieved more that a Bachelors degree he struggled to make ends meet. He often worried about the future and opportunities his children would have if he didn't do something to change the situation we were in. After wrestling with this concern for an extended period time as we weighed our options, we finally decided to move to the United States where my father would get a Masters degree to better provide for us and we would have more opportunities to excel.  

We made the move well aware that it would be challenging and sacrifices would need to be made. Let me just tell you that life as an immigrant is not easy, specially not when you have a family to provide for. For one, it is hard to find a decent paying job when you don't speak the language of the country you are living in. My dad knew some English but not much. He was admitted to Brigham Young University where he first studied English at the ELC, then proceed to earn a Masters in Public Administration and another in Education. The journey was long and very demanding. My dad would wake up before dawn to deliver two routes of newspapers, go home, get ready, have scripture study with us, and book it to the bus stop where he'd catch the bus that took him to campus. He'd then spend most of the day in classes and studying, just to go home for a quick dinner and then go clean some buildings on campus for a little extra money. 

Despite his efforts, this was not enough to pay for his education and all of our expenses. My mom had to go out and work in order to make sure we had what we needed. She didn't know a lick of English and the best job she could find was cleaning houses. She would wake up early and get us all ready for school, prepare breakfast, pack our lunches and take us to school. Then she'd work about 7 hours while we were off and she'd make sure to be home by the time we got out of school. It wasn't rare for us to take turns going to help our parents out at work both during the school year and summer vacation. My dad also had a few side jobs that he could bring home and we'd all work on it together as a family.  We kids usually didn't get allowances, but we felt accomplished knowing that the work we were doing was helping provide for the things we had. 

The reason I share all of this with you is because my siblings and I learned much about the value and ethic of work. We learned about sacrificing things we wanted in order to avoid debt. We learned how to budget, share, and live frugally. You see, there is something absolutely wonderful that happens when mom and dad don't compete against each other, trying to prove that one's contribution is more important than the others'. When fathers lovingly preside over the family and mothers nourish. When we all sacrifice and help one another fulfill our roles. When parents and children come together and work to build a home. 

I hope we will all take the initiative to learn more about our divine identity as children of God, and be more willing to sacrifice our wants in order to help one another fulfill our roles in our family units.  

Here are a few more links to articles that can help you and your family better manage your finances and gain a greater perspective of what a Father is:
One for the Money
Staying at home: How to downsize from dual to single income
Earthly Father, Heavenly Father