Preparing for Marriage

حب - Maite - Agape - Phillia - LOVE - Eros - Storge - Amore - 愛 -

We all come from different places, with different cultures and different beliefs; yet as we learn from Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there are at least five things we all have in common, one of which, is the need of love and belonging. 

There are many relationships and activities we can engage in that will provide us with a sense of belonging and being loved. Ideally we are born into a basic family unit wherein we have parents and siblings who love and accept us as we are, we grow to develop friendships with other people as we interact with them, we form part of teams or clubs at school, we serve in our communities, and so on. However, there is one relationship that is crucial for our survival as a species- MARRIAGE. 

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but eternal joy as well. It affects not only the two people involved, but their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations." (Spencer W. Kimball, 1976, Marriage and Divorce, 2)

Understanding the vitality of marriage ought to drive our preparation for this celestial goal. So how do we prepare? A wise man once said "Dating is how you position the cannon that once shot will determine the rest of your relationship." Dating is the best preparation for marriage; not hanging out, not hooking up, nor shacking up- rather, good old traditional dating. 

"How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" is a phenomenal book written by John Van Epp, that gives us excellent ways to optimize our dating experience and ultimately choose a suitable spouse who will help satisfy our needs of love and belonging. In his book, Van Epp teaches us about the "Know-Quo":  Time + Togetherness + Talk = Knowing someone. 

Time. It takes time to truly know someone. Van Epp suggests that you need at least three months to begin to know a person. Watching this short clip will really help you understand why the 3 months Relationship DUI- are you sure you're in love?. 

Togetherness. This refers to the wide variety of activities you share with the person you are dating. Taking the time to plan and execute different activities will help you get to know how your significant other reacts in different situations, their likes and dislikes, it will provide you with opportunities to work together and solve problems, and so much more! 

Talk. There is an infinite amount of things one can talk about, however, Van Epp teaches us that mutual self disclosure (what we think and feel) must reveal something about us. Talking is how we become vulnerable with each other. 

Another thing I really appreciate from Van Epp's book is a model that helps us understand the natural progression of healthy relationships:

Basically, we do not want to move past the point of the previous slider; doing so will create a false sense of knowing someone, and an unhealthy attachment to them. The R.A.M. helps us avoid a relationship DUI.

If you really want to become proficient at understanding marriage preparation, I encourage you to read Van Epp's book. I also encourage you to study Elder Dallin H. Oaks' address to young single adults titled Dating versus Hanging Out. There are some really interesting connections that you can make between the test of the three p's Elder Oaks talks about, and the responsibilities of fathers as taught in The Family- A Proclamation to the World.