Stick it out or break it off?

Why is it that more than a million couples divorce each year? Infidelity is probably the first reason we would all think causes a divorce, but what about communication problems, lack of emotional support, emotional and physical abuse, falling out of love or growing apart? Is it due to unsatisfactory sex, constant conflict, or falling in love with someone else? Maybe it's even the financial problems, abuse of alcohol or other drugs, and perhaps even incompatibility. These are all "complaints that are offered not only by Americans, but those in other nations as well" (Lauer & Lauer).
If you ask me, I think it has a lot to do with our culture of convenience and instant gratification. 

"In the 1970s, California and New York began the trend toward no-fault divorce, which is now practiced in all states. In no-fault divorce, no proof for divorce is needed. Neither spouse accuses the other of impropriety or immorality. Rather, the marriage is deemed unworkable and therefore is dissolved" (Lauer & Lauer). Do you see how devastating this can be for a spouse or the children being affected by the divorce? If either or both spouses decide the marriage is no longer a convenience and choses to end the marriage, they can easily do so. 

Although this may seem like the most convenient way to deal with your lack of satisfaction with your marriage, you might want to reconsider. Research has shown that after two years, 70% of divorced couples believe they could have saved the marriage should they have stuck with it and worked through their challenges-and greatly wished they had. 

President Gordon B. Hinckley once said:

 "Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in no other way."

I know that Christ is the best physician out there. He has given us the perfect prescription to mend our broken hearts and heal our strained relationships.  There must have been a pretty great reason for Jesus to have commanded us to "love thy neighbor as thy self", and to forgive those that sin against us "until seventy times seven".  There is peace in living the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Healthy Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them. 

-President Thomas S. Monson

Being a parent, do you ever feel that your kids don't seem to listen to or care about what you say? Do you ever feel underappreciated or feel that you're a tool? That your kids just use you to have their needs met? Do you ever want to give up and focus on yourself for a while? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is likely that at one point or another you have also felt power over your children and felt that you have the right as their parent to make them do what you want. Of course you don't always feel this way; there are times when you feel loved, appreciated, and enjoy spending time with and sacrificing for your children. However, due to our natural state, it is always easier to focus on and remember the things that aggravate us.  Yet as we remember that we are children of a supernatural being and as such are destined to become supernatural beings, and that we have supernatural help readily available to us, we can find peace and hope in being the parents our children need us to be.

Let's review three styles of parenting that are widespread and that have important consequences for children's well-being: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting. 

The authoritarian approach to parenting is to "exercise maximum control and to expect unquestioning obedience. Children may perceive such parents as rejecting and as refusing to give them any autonomy. Parent-child interaction is not the give-and-take of a developing relationship but the giving of orders by a superior to a subordinate. In case of infraction of the rules, discipline is likely to be both severe and physical" (Lauer & Lauer).

Permissive parenting is just what it sounds like. The approach is to "minimize any control. Children are encouraged to make their own decisions and develop their independence with few or no parental constraints or guidance. Parent-child interaction may consist of parental acceptance and approval of whatever the children decide to do" (Lauer & Lauer). 

Last but not least, we have the authoritative parenting style. This approach is to "put boundaries on acceptable behavior within a warm, accepting context. Children are likely to perceive such an atmosphere as one that encourages their autonomy, controls their behavior moderately, and allows them to express their opinions and develop their own decision-making ability. Parent-child interaction is generally characterized by affection, a certain amount of give-and-take, but relatively clear expectations for the children's behavior" (Lauer & Lauer). 

Can you relate to either of these parenting styles? Here's a link to an online assessment of your own parenting perceptions and ideals: What's Your Parenting Style?

The authoritative parenting style is the happy middle ground between the authoritarian and the permissive approaches. It is associated with the maximum well-being of children. "Children can survive an authoritarian or a permissive parenting style, but they are unlikely to thrive. Instead, they are prone to develop attitudes and behavior that are detrimental both to high-quality interpersonal relationships and to their own physical and emotional well-being" (Lauer & Lauer).

Fathers and Finances

 "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

I am continually amazed by how inspired The Family: A Proclamation to the World truly is. Not only does it help us understand our identity as children of God, it also helps us understand our role in His divine plan.  As stated above, it is the fathers' responsibility to provide for his family. Does this mean women can't join the labor force? No. If women can join the labor force and provide for themselves and their children, then this must mean that women and children simply don't need men in their lives, right? Absolutely not. It is truly a shame that people start to believe men to be what media portrays husbands and fathers to be "annoying accessories & buffoons." 

While I do believe that men and women should have the same rights and opportunities, I do not believe that we are to try to outdo one another. Men and women were created to complement each other, not to compete one against the other. As Paul taught us in the New Testament "neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord"  

Fathers are vital in their children's lives. Although they spend long hours away from home in order to provide for their families financially, they also provide confidence and security. They teach their little girls what to look for in a man, and their sons how to be an honorable man. Professor Brad Wilcox of University of Virginia noted "nearly every shooting over the last year in Wikipedia's list of U.S. school attacks' involved a young man whose parents divorced or never married in the first place. Additionally, a study on older male shooters found similar connections to growing up fatherless." 

There is a marvelous article titled "Family Work" that has caused me to reflect upon  my bringing up and the role my daddy played in helping me become the woman I am today. Eighteen years ago my parents, siblings and I made a decision that would change the trajectory of our lives and the lives of our posterity forever.  At that time we lived in Chile, my "mami" was a stay at home mom/ housewife while my "papi" was the main provider for our family. Being that he wasn't in his home country, and had not achieved more that a Bachelors degree he struggled to make ends meet. He often worried about the future and opportunities his children would have if he didn't do something to change the situation we were in. After wrestling with this concern for an extended period time as we weighed our options, we finally decided to move to the United States where my father would get a Masters degree to better provide for us and we would have more opportunities to excel.  

We made the move well aware that it would be challenging and sacrifices would need to be made. Let me just tell you that life as an immigrant is not easy, specially not when you have a family to provide for. For one, it is hard to find a decent paying job when you don't speak the language of the country you are living in. My dad knew some English but not much. He was admitted to Brigham Young University where he first studied English at the ELC, then proceed to earn a Masters in Public Administration and another in Education. The journey was long and very demanding. My dad would wake up before dawn to deliver two routes of newspapers, go home, get ready, have scripture study with us, and book it to the bus stop where he'd catch the bus that took him to campus. He'd then spend most of the day in classes and studying, just to go home for a quick dinner and then go clean some buildings on campus for a little extra money. 

Despite his efforts, this was not enough to pay for his education and all of our expenses. My mom had to go out and work in order to make sure we had what we needed. She didn't know a lick of English and the best job she could find was cleaning houses. She would wake up early and get us all ready for school, prepare breakfast, pack our lunches and take us to school. Then she'd work about 7 hours while we were off and she'd make sure to be home by the time we got out of school. It wasn't rare for us to take turns going to help our parents out at work both during the school year and summer vacation. My dad also had a few side jobs that he could bring home and we'd all work on it together as a family.  We kids usually didn't get allowances, but we felt accomplished knowing that the work we were doing was helping provide for the things we had. 

The reason I share all of this with you is because my siblings and I learned much about the value and ethic of work. We learned about sacrificing things we wanted in order to avoid debt. We learned how to budget, share, and live frugally. You see, there is something absolutely wonderful that happens when mom and dad don't compete against each other, trying to prove that one's contribution is more important than the others'. When fathers lovingly preside over the family and mothers nourish. When we all sacrifice and help one another fulfill our roles. When parents and children come together and work to build a home. 

I hope we will all take the initiative to learn more about our divine identity as children of God, and be more willing to sacrifice our wants in order to help one another fulfill our roles in our family units.  

Here are a few more links to articles that can help you and your family better manage your finances and gain a greater perspective of what a Father is:
One for the Money
Staying at home: How to downsize from dual to single income
Earthly Father, Heavenly Father

Keys of Effective Communication

"Satisfaction in marriage does not come from getting the desired behavior from your spouse, it comes from feeling mutually understood."

One of the traits that sets humans apart from other animals is our ability to speak. Speech allows us to express ourselves with greater clarity and accuracy in order to communicate to those we interact with what we feel and think. However, it doesn't matter how precise we try to be with our words, we always have opportunities to miscommunicate with each other and, if we aren't careful our natural man will take the wheel, blurring that trait that distinguishes us from animals.

We tend to be quite nifty with our words, yet it is interpreting nonverbal cues that usually gets us in trouble. "Estimates are that anywhere from 50 to 80 percent of the meaning we convey is through the nonverbal part of our communication." Kinds of nonverbal communications vary everywhere from the clothing we wear to the tone in which we speak. Facial expressions, eye movement, and the way we touch people can be all too easily misinterpreted. Communication is an interactive process. Lets explore it!

"Begin at the left side, labeled the "sender." This is the person who initiates the conversation, who wants to share some idea or feeling. the first step is to encode the idea and/or feeling into language, that is, into words that will hopefully convey the meaning to the other person. If you are angry with someone, for example, you could phrase your anger in various ways. You could be subtle: "I'm not in a good mood." Or you could be direct: "I'm angry with you just now." Or you could phrase it in any number of other ways. The point is, you must encode your ideas and feelings in a way that will best convey what you want the other person to know.
The encoded message is transmitted through the media, which, in communication, are the verbal and nonverbal means of conveying meaning to someone. Thus, you can express your anger both in words and in your demeanor and gestures (e.g., a scowl, a clenched fist, and a loud voice). The dotted line from "encode message" back to ideas and feelings indicates that as you transmit the message you hear your own words and evaluate them. That ives you an opportunity to revise what you say in order to clarify the message. For example, if you blurt our "I'm not in a good mood," you may realize as you hear the words that they are not adequate, and say, "No, that;s not what I mean. I'm really angry with you."
The other person, the receiver, must decode your message--interpret your words so that he or she understands your ideas and feelings. The receiver filters the message through his or her own ideas and feelings before encoding a response. In responding to your anger, the other person may realize that he or she is perplexed and encode that message ("You have no right to be angry; I'm the one who should be angry"), and so on. The receiver, in other words, is now a sender and the process continues" (Lauer & Lauer).

Not being able to be understood by those you love most is suffocating. That is why I want to share with you Five Keys of Effective Communication.

1.  Disarming technique
2. Empathy
3. Inquiry
4. I feel
5. Expressing genuine appreciation/admiration. 

   

CRISES- Do they make or break a family?

Wouldn't it be great if everything ran as planned, smoothly and on schedule? If unexpected layoffs weren't a possibility, and if we weren't subject to illness? If kids weren't exposed to crude messages via classmates and media? If natural disasters simply didn't occur? And if our hearts weren't broken time and time again?

Every family encounters crises—those moments in which our choices either move our family in an upward direction or create additional, perhaps more serious, problems to address. Crisis is best viewed as an opportunity paired with danger; as the term implies our response to these moments are critical to our further success. 

"In their efforts to understand diverse family responses to stressful events, family scholars have used the ABCX model developed by Reuben Hill (1958). Hill (1949) began his work by studying the stress endured by families during war. He developed the ABCX family crisis model to try to account for differential success in coping. In essence, A is the stressor event and the hardships it produces. B is the management of the stress through coping resources that the family has. Since an important aspect of the impact of stress is the way in which the stressful situations is defined, C refers to the family's definition of the event. A, B, and C interact to produce X, the crisis.

For example, let us say that two families, the Smiths and the Joneses, face the stressor of unemployment (A). The Smiths define it as undesirable but also as a challenge (C), and they decide that each family member will try to find work and will do something to save money (B). The interacton of these three produces no serious crisis for them (X). The Joneses, on the other hand, define the event as a disaster (C). They expect the father to find a new job immediately and to do something to avoid any serious change in their lifestyle (B). The interaction of these three is a crisis (X)." (Lauer, R. H., Lauer, J. C. (2012) Marriage & Family: the quest for intimacy 8th ed. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

As we can see from this example, the intensity of our crises are based upon how we define and react to the stressors in our lives. This is the key to whether crises make or break a family. Our coping patterns can unite family members as well as pull them apart. We will go over a few different coping patterns that fall under the three categories illustrated below which determine the outcomes of family crises. 



Ineffective Coping Patterns (#2 & 3): Denial, avoidance, and scapegoating. 
Effective Coping Patterns (#1): Taking responsibility, affirming your own and your family's worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, learning the art of reframing, and finding/using available resources. 

The wonderful thing about life is that although sometimes things don't turn out quite as we expect them to, they turn out beautifully when we rely on God.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come."

                                                                                       -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Types of Affairs

Infidelity- is it more than a sexual matter?

Oft we hear "infidelity" and immediately associate it with adultery, however, in giving it some thought we will quickly see there is much more in being faithful to a spouse than abstaining from adultery. When we commit ourselves to someone through marriage we essentially vow "to have and to hold [our spouse], from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part".  Or, as President Spencer W. Kimball taught "Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity". 

We are commanded that we "shalt love the Lord [our] God will all [our] heart, and with all [our] soul, and with all [our] mind" (Matt. 22:37); our spouse is the only other person we are to love in the manner we love God. This being said, it is important to understand that it does not take two participating parties for infidelity to occur. One can be unfaithful through the mind and the heart. 

Affairs can be categorized based on the type of involvement (emotional or physical) and the level of relational attachment (attached or detached). Fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual are the four types of affairs there appears to be based on the former dichotomies. 

Fantasy Affairs. These types of affairs are emotional and detached, meaning there is no physical relation with an outside party and there is no attachment- or in other words, with someone who is anonymous and would likely never be met. Examples of Fantasy affairs include romantically fantasizing about someone who is not your spouse (an actual person or a fictional character in a book, movie, etc.), flirting online, or simply imagining what life would be like with another person. The deeper the unfaithful spouse gets into their fantasy affair, the more emotionally detached they become from their family. 

President Kimball has warned, “There must be no romantic interest, attention, dating, or flirtation of any kind with anyone” outside the bounds of marriage. “Even the thought of adultery is sinful.” President Harold B. Lee taught that “thought is the father of an act. No man ever committed murder who did not first become angry. No one ever committed adultery without a preceding immoral thought. The thief did not steal except he first coveted that which was his neighbor's.” It is important to remember "For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he . . . (Proverbs 23:7).” 

Visual Affairs (aka porn). These affairs are those that are detached and physical- which insinuates that the unfaithful spouse is acting out sexually. This is the most common type of affair. Pornography is any medium that elicits sexual arousal, and it is one of the greatest plagues of our day. It is found on the web, billboards, in books, magazines, music- almost everywhere.   

President Kimball said, “There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts, and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. Many acknowledge the vice of physical adultery, but still rationalize that anything short of that heinous sin may not be condemned too harshly; however, the Lord has said many times: ‘Ye have heard that it was said by them of old times, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28.).’”

Romantic Affairs.  Now we move on to the attached affairs. Romantic affairs are emotional and attached; they occur when an individual is becoming emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. These are the type of affairs going on when you hear about cases where a person has successfully been balancing two lives/relationships and are caught. This kind of action is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life. 

"An adulterer might feel like he or she is empowered and reinventing his or her life. However, research by Duncombe and Mardsen suggests that those who enter affairs to escape everyday life will be disappointed over time, since everyday life has a way of catching up with us. Initially the affair can seem spontaneous, romantic, and thrilling. Over time “the exciting lover ceases to be a stranger and routine becomes the enemy of spontaneity."

Sexual Affairs. These affairs are physical and attached and in some cases the onset is Visual Affairs. In contrast to the Romantic Affair, a Sexual Affair occurs when a person engages in adultery with or without emotional attachment. 

President Kimball warned, “The adversary is subtle; he is cunning, he knows that he cannot induce good men and women immediately to do major evils so he moves slyly, whispering half truths until he has his intended victims following him, and finally he clamps his chains upon them and fetters them tight, and then he laughs at their discomfiture and their misery.”

Many will justify their [affairs] claiming their love is dead, however President Kimball taught that when love wanes or dies “it is often infidelity of thought or act which gave the lethal potion.”

I am so grateful for the guidelines God has so lovingly given us in order to protect and nourish our marriages. If you are interested in learning how to avoid infidelity-which we are all subject to no matter how much we love our spouse- you can find some very useful tips by reading INFIDELITY: PROTECTING OUR MARRIAGES by Scott Gardner & Christian Greiner.

Preparing for Marriage

حب - Maite - Agape - Phillia - LOVE - Eros - Storge - Amore - 愛 -

We all come from different places, with different cultures and different beliefs; yet as we learn from Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, there are at least five things we all have in common, one of which, is the need of love and belonging. 

There are many relationships and activities we can engage in that will provide us with a sense of belonging and being loved. Ideally we are born into a basic family unit wherein we have parents and siblings who love and accept us as we are, we grow to develop friendships with other people as we interact with them, we form part of teams or clubs at school, we serve in our communities, and so on. However, there is one relationship that is crucial for our survival as a species- MARRIAGE. 

"Marriage is perhaps the most vital of all the decisions and has the most far-reaching effects, for it has to do not only with immediate happiness, but eternal joy as well. It affects not only the two people involved, but their families and particularly their children and their children’s children down through the many generations." (Spencer W. Kimball, 1976, Marriage and Divorce, 2)

Understanding the vitality of marriage ought to drive our preparation for this celestial goal. So how do we prepare? A wise man once said "Dating is how you position the cannon that once shot will determine the rest of your relationship." Dating is the best preparation for marriage; not hanging out, not hooking up, nor shacking up- rather, good old traditional dating. 

"How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" is a phenomenal book written by John Van Epp, that gives us excellent ways to optimize our dating experience and ultimately choose a suitable spouse who will help satisfy our needs of love and belonging. In his book, Van Epp teaches us about the "Know-Quo":  Time + Togetherness + Talk = Knowing someone. 

Time. It takes time to truly know someone. Van Epp suggests that you need at least three months to begin to know a person. Watching this short clip will really help you understand why the 3 months Relationship DUI- are you sure you're in love?. 

Togetherness. This refers to the wide variety of activities you share with the person you are dating. Taking the time to plan and execute different activities will help you get to know how your significant other reacts in different situations, their likes and dislikes, it will provide you with opportunities to work together and solve problems, and so much more! 

Talk. There is an infinite amount of things one can talk about, however, Van Epp teaches us that mutual self disclosure (what we think and feel) must reveal something about us. Talking is how we become vulnerable with each other. 

Another thing I really appreciate from Van Epp's book is a model that helps us understand the natural progression of healthy relationships:

Basically, we do not want to move past the point of the previous slider; doing so will create a false sense of knowing someone, and an unhealthy attachment to them. The R.A.M. helps us avoid a relationship DUI.

If you really want to become proficient at understanding marriage preparation, I encourage you to read Van Epp's book. I also encourage you to study Elder Dallin H. Oaks' address to young single adults titled Dating versus Hanging Out. There are some really interesting connections that you can make between the test of the three p's Elder Oaks talks about, and the responsibilities of fathers as taught in The Family- A Proclamation to the World.